September 21, 2008

I am feeling sick to my stomach
I am so worried about court I am having a hard time sleeping, concentrating, eating
Three more days till we go to court and I am worried sick.
I can't tell you how I feel because I tell you I know everything is going to be ok.
But inside me I am scared!
I have been scared many times in my life but nothing not even my life has meant as much to me as you do.
Us being together again as a family,
When I lay in the dark quiet room thinking of you of us
Tears streaming down my face every night
Knowing our being together again is dependent on a Judge.
A judge who knows nothing of us except what is in the briefs,
How could he ever understand our complex relationship,
It by no means is perfect, and yes we had lots of problems
Who doesn't ?
But to have my families future dependant on the opinion of 3 people who don't know us is driving me crazy.
When I lay in bed at the end of the day thinking of us and happier times I wonder if there will be more happy times to come.
And yes I have laid there and thought about some of the bad times also, but I understand those were lessons learned.
Now with 3 days to go I am frantic inside my mind is constantly racing
My thoughts are non stop,
I could just be my bipolar but I think this has more to do with the case than my brain.
What makes it harder is trying to pretend to be positive for you and the kids,
When inside I just want to scream and break down and cry.
So since I can't do that I keep it all in and it is really messing with me.
I need an end to this
And there is only one end I will accept
That is to have you back here with our family!

I love and miss you so very much!

Poem by Rod McKuen

NO WHISKY BARS
I believe that crawling into you is going back into myself.
That by the act of joining hands with you I become more of me.
There are no whiskey bars for dancers like ourselves,and so we move into each other like drunkards into open doorways.
My need for you is near addiction.
No sailor ever had tattoos growing on his fore arm the way your smile has willed itself back behind my eyes.
It will not dissolve.
It will not divide.
For I am nothing if not you.
-from Love’s Been Good to Me, 1979