Merry Christmas

This is our 5th Christmas apart. I had done pretty well until this year in providing our kids with a half way decent Christmas. I was layed off December 5 with now warning, I had less than 500 dollars to get the bills paid and food. I know God gives me what I need but sometimes it would be nice to have something more just in case this is the month they foreclose on the house. I felt like such a loser these past weeks knowing I had nothing to give our kids. And to top it all off the same day I was let go I had a doctors appt. that did not go well, I will be having surgery yet again for a hernia and they are going to do a biopsy on my liver. My doctor wants me to start doing treatment for the Hep C after the surgery she says it has to be done before my liver gets much worse. What a year what a month. I have had 14 viles of blood taken in this past week, an ultra sound , cat scan. I don't know how I will pay for all this but it needs to be taken care of. The funny thing is I knew I was in need of another hernia surgery but if I had not gotten laid off I would have just let it go, I was in constant pain (still am) but I was getting a decent pay check. Now I have nothing. My Christmas wish is for you to be here holding me while I go through this mess. I pray every night and wait for the court to decide if we can be a family again. I need you here and our kids need you here. I know how lonely you feel down there by yourself during the holidays, I am sorry you are alone. I wish you were here. I am going to pray tonight that you will be here for our next Christmas. I love you and miss you so much!

September 21, 2008

I am feeling sick to my stomach
I am so worried about court I am having a hard time sleeping, concentrating, eating
Three more days till we go to court and I am worried sick.
I can't tell you how I feel because I tell you I know everything is going to be ok.
But inside me I am scared!
I have been scared many times in my life but nothing not even my life has meant as much to me as you do.
Us being together again as a family,
When I lay in the dark quiet room thinking of you of us
Tears streaming down my face every night
Knowing our being together again is dependent on a Judge.
A judge who knows nothing of us except what is in the briefs,
How could he ever understand our complex relationship,
It by no means is perfect, and yes we had lots of problems
Who doesn't ?
But to have my families future dependant on the opinion of 3 people who don't know us is driving me crazy.
When I lay in bed at the end of the day thinking of us and happier times I wonder if there will be more happy times to come.
And yes I have laid there and thought about some of the bad times also, but I understand those were lessons learned.
Now with 3 days to go I am frantic inside my mind is constantly racing
My thoughts are non stop,
I could just be my bipolar but I think this has more to do with the case than my brain.
What makes it harder is trying to pretend to be positive for you and the kids,
When inside I just want to scream and break down and cry.
So since I can't do that I keep it all in and it is really messing with me.
I need an end to this
And there is only one end I will accept
That is to have you back here with our family!

I love and miss you so very much!

Poem by Rod McKuen

NO WHISKY BARS
I believe that crawling into you is going back into myself.
That by the act of joining hands with you I become more of me.
There are no whiskey bars for dancers like ourselves,and so we move into each other like drunkards into open doorways.
My need for you is near addiction.
No sailor ever had tattoos growing on his fore arm the way your smile has willed itself back behind my eyes.
It will not dissolve.
It will not divide.
For I am nothing if not you.
-from Love’s Been Good to Me, 1979

Sick

You made me smile today
I dont smile very often anymore but you made me smile
Usually when I speak to you I just feel so alone.

I know this has changed you
Anytime you hear my voice and know I am sick then ask why I am not taking medication,
You who never takes anything
You who always thought I was taking too much medication
Telling me to take medication.

I have become like wonder woman I dont need anything for pain, asthma,hernia,hepititis,headaches
What was that song I am woman hear me roar.
Too funny
I have become so strong I dont need anything
I dont need to numb my body or my mind I can deal with it all

You know I am just bullshitting right
I can't take meds and work or I will not be able to do the work
And you know how bad I want to be hired by this company.
But you need not worry I will be ok
I told you I am too angry and fought too hard to get you back to let something like dying block my way.

I love you and miss you
I wish you were here to take care of me
You have always been so kind and caring when I was sick
I miss that so much (not being sick)
You always made sure I had anything I needed.
I also remember you before my gallbladder surgery
I remember right before they put me to sleep you had a tear running down your face
You were so scared something was going to happen to me
But here I am fifteen years later
Still sick
And I need you here to help me.

I love you

Smiles and Jokes

It's nice to speak to you and hear you laugh
Even if its at a stupid joke I search for just to make you laugh.
I love to hear you laugh
Especially in a time like this when you are so nervous about the court date.
And you not being one for joke make it hard for me to find one that makes you laugh
I am doing pretty good though 2 out of 3 isnt bad.

I tell you to be positive
I tell myself to be positive also
I try so hard not to let the negitive thoughts in but
Sometimes they creep in and invade my thougths
So for now we will just stick with the jokes

I love to see you smile
And when I was there and told you the joke little johnny it was so nice to see you smile
I know there is not much for you to laugh or smile about but you need to
We all do
Its healthy and we need to stay healthy
Mentally and physically
For when we are together.

I am going now to find tomorrows joke
I love you and miss you
Yes more today than yesterday!

Feeling better

Its taken a few long days but I am getting to a better place
physically, mentally and spiritually.
I have long questioned God's plan for me,
My life seems to be one hardship after another
Does he really think I am that strong?
People say God doesn't make mistakes and I for sure am not going to say it,
I just wonder
How strong he made me because I sure don't feel strong never have EVER
Yet its one thing after another
I know his love and I know he always takes care of my needs in the end but
I am so tired of trying to be strong I feel weak
I am so tired of fighting
Especially things I cant see or understand
Yet I have to keep fighting for the sake of my kids, husband and my sanity.
I pray this all of this will stop
I want my family back my sanity (not much to begin with) back
I want a day at least one day just to sit and not worry about all of these things
People say be careful of what you ask for but I am asking

I love you and miss you more today than I did yesterday
Soon we will be together!
Love you

tears, pain and the heart

tears keep coming
I don't know how to stop them
the pain is so intense I think it will never stop
or even lessen
my heart feels like it has finally broken in half
the intense feeling I am feeling are breath taking

I don't know if I can make it through this
I don't even know why it is happening now today
Why??
Its not like this is new its been going on for five years why now
All the dark thoughts that fill my brain scare me
Its been so long since I have had them
I am older now and can deal better but they still scare the shit out of me
All the pain is not helping things

As I type tears stream down my face
All I can do is wish you were here to help me through this
Your not and I don't know if I can make it through without you
I am really scared Martin
I need you here now

You are my medication
Your arms heal me more than any pill or therapist can
The sound of your voice heals my pain
Your hands wipe the tears from my face

I feel so weak
So alone
I want my life back
I am tired of fighting alone
What will I do if you are not allowed to come back
How can I make it without you
I can't I know this
You have kept me strong for 18 years
I can't do this with out you

Come home
I love you