What a hard day today has been and its not even half over.
I spoke to you today, and now I sit here crying, missing and longing to be with you.
The wheels of justice grind very slow.
I feel they are grinding me to pieces.
I try to stay strong for our kids and you but I feel so weak at this moment.
I have never been a control freak but this process going through the courts to get you back is killing me.
Having my families life and future in the hands of judges does not feel good to me.
These three judges don't know me
They don't care about my feelings
The law does not feel, it doesn't have a heart.
I do and my family does it seems unfair that they don't get to hear the voices of our children before they decide if their father can come home and be a father again.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Friday, May 30, 2008
Day 1474
I am feeling so scared
I feel like I am surrounded by evil
I have to be on guard at all times.
I go to work everyday warring if this is the day
I am living almost in the same world I lived in before I met you
All the mentally ill homeless people, the drug abusers, prostitutes
I am surrounded by thieves and murders.
I am scared again.
I stopped using my survival instincts when I fell in love with you
But now your gone and I am in a cess pool
I am so scared of something happening before I am in your arms
I don’t want to fight to survive again
I am too tired for that
You taught me to want to survive
You gave me something to survive for
So now I must do that
But I am so tired
I want not to worry about the homeless man in the bus stop
I want to worry what you want for dinner
I don’t want to worry about that girl out front trying to find a customer
I want to worry about you
I don’t want to judge them or what they are doing
I want to be in your arms again so I must
I don’t want to end up a dead body on Colfax Ave.
All I want in my life is to be with you
To be a family together again
All I want is for you to be here holding me again.
I love you
I am feeling so scared
I feel like I am surrounded by evil
I have to be on guard at all times.
I go to work everyday warring if this is the day
I am living almost in the same world I lived in before I met you
All the mentally ill homeless people, the drug abusers, prostitutes
I am surrounded by thieves and murders.
I am scared again.
I stopped using my survival instincts when I fell in love with you
But now your gone and I am in a cess pool
I am so scared of something happening before I am in your arms
I don’t want to fight to survive again
I am too tired for that
You taught me to want to survive
You gave me something to survive for
So now I must do that
But I am so tired
I want not to worry about the homeless man in the bus stop
I want to worry what you want for dinner
I don’t want to worry about that girl out front trying to find a customer
I want to worry about you
I don’t want to judge them or what they are doing
I want to be in your arms again so I must
I don’t want to end up a dead body on Colfax Ave.
All I want in my life is to be with you
To be a family together again
All I want is for you to be here holding me again.
I love you
Day 1473
I called to talk to you today and of course there was something wrong with our connection. I hate not being able to speak to you when I want to , its bad enough that we have to talk over the phone. I miss sitting down next to you and talking. I want to look into your eyes while we are talking not see you in my mind. There was nothing important that I wanted to say I just needed to speak to you. I love you and miss you so very much. I wish you were here today to go shopping with us. You could have taken Martin to get his clothes. I also wish you were her to sit down and talk to him about sex and girls and growing up and all that stuff that he gets embarrassed talking to me about. I went in and checked out his my space page and I was a little worried when I was reading his questionnaire and one of the questions was what is your goal for this year and his answer was to have sex. Reading that made my heart sink. I think he is way to young to have sex and yet I want to get condoms for him so if something happens he will be protected. But I don’t want him to think that by giving him the condom I agree with his decision. I think I will get him one and before giving it to him tell him that I feel he is too you but if he is going to have sex then he must use a condom , I have already told him that it only takes one time to have a baby and also it only takes one time to get aids. Wow I need you here. But we will be alright until you get back. Alex is excited about going back to school. They go back next week, we got all her supplies today I got some for Martin but since I don’t know what he needs I am going to have to wait till he gets a list from the different classes. I gave him seventy dollars to get a few clothes today and all he could do was complain that that wasn’t enough money so he bought a pair of shorts and had forty dollars left that he gave back and I am going to give him two hundred in a few days to go. I cant wait until he is old enough to realize how selfish he is being. He knows that I need to get him a shot and I need to pay the school the hundred dollars for breaking the rail at the prom.
And of course all the other bills. I get so frustrated sometimes when I go shopping for food he brings his friends here and they eat so much food it is crazy I want to say something to him about it but I don’t want to sound like a bitch to him so I don’t say anything at all. I am feeling so overwhelmed right now. I think between work and the kids I am just frazzled. Why I call it frazzled I don’t know its mental shit and I am about to go into a very deep depression and I don’t have any meds for it and for sure I cant afford them right now. I thought about going back to a counselor, I think they may have one at the University Hospital. I don’t know I just hate to have to go through another funk. I know what would help me even more than the med or counselors if I just had you here to hold me. If you made love to me.
I called to talk to you today and of course there was something wrong with our connection. I hate not being able to speak to you when I want to , its bad enough that we have to talk over the phone. I miss sitting down next to you and talking. I want to look into your eyes while we are talking not see you in my mind. There was nothing important that I wanted to say I just needed to speak to you. I love you and miss you so very much. I wish you were here today to go shopping with us. You could have taken Martin to get his clothes. I also wish you were her to sit down and talk to him about sex and girls and growing up and all that stuff that he gets embarrassed talking to me about. I went in and checked out his my space page and I was a little worried when I was reading his questionnaire and one of the questions was what is your goal for this year and his answer was to have sex. Reading that made my heart sink. I think he is way to young to have sex and yet I want to get condoms for him so if something happens he will be protected. But I don’t want him to think that by giving him the condom I agree with his decision. I think I will get him one and before giving it to him tell him that I feel he is too you but if he is going to have sex then he must use a condom , I have already told him that it only takes one time to have a baby and also it only takes one time to get aids. Wow I need you here. But we will be alright until you get back. Alex is excited about going back to school. They go back next week, we got all her supplies today I got some for Martin but since I don’t know what he needs I am going to have to wait till he gets a list from the different classes. I gave him seventy dollars to get a few clothes today and all he could do was complain that that wasn’t enough money so he bought a pair of shorts and had forty dollars left that he gave back and I am going to give him two hundred in a few days to go. I cant wait until he is old enough to realize how selfish he is being. He knows that I need to get him a shot and I need to pay the school the hundred dollars for breaking the rail at the prom.
And of course all the other bills. I get so frustrated sometimes when I go shopping for food he brings his friends here and they eat so much food it is crazy I want to say something to him about it but I don’t want to sound like a bitch to him so I don’t say anything at all. I am feeling so overwhelmed right now. I think between work and the kids I am just frazzled. Why I call it frazzled I don’t know its mental shit and I am about to go into a very deep depression and I don’t have any meds for it and for sure I cant afford them right now. I thought about going back to a counselor, I think they may have one at the University Hospital. I don’t know I just hate to have to go through another funk. I know what would help me even more than the med or counselors if I just had you here to hold me. If you made love to me.
Day 1472
Come hold me
Hold me tighter than ever before
Never let go of me
All those days wasted
Why did we waste so many days
We could have been holding each other
We could have been laying in bed talking
Or making love
We could be back on the beach in Florida
Or the beach in Chicago
Do you remember the beach in Chicago?
I bet you remember the beach in Chicago
You would not forget us making love on the beach
Come hold me
Come make love to me
My body needs you
I need you!
Would you still make love to me on the beach
I bet you would
I would still make love to you there
Or anywhere
Touch me
Hold me
Love me
You make me feel alive
Come hold me
Hold me tighter than ever before
Never let go of me
All those days wasted
Why did we waste so many days
We could have been holding each other
We could have been laying in bed talking
Or making love
We could be back on the beach in Florida
Or the beach in Chicago
Do you remember the beach in Chicago?
I bet you remember the beach in Chicago
You would not forget us making love on the beach
Come hold me
Come make love to me
My body needs you
I need you!
Would you still make love to me on the beach
I bet you would
I would still make love to you there
Or anywhere
Touch me
Hold me
Love me
You make me feel alive
Day 1471
Hi, I hope this letter finds you in good health. I miss you! Waking up this Sunday morning seems lonelier than most. I woke up and you still weren’t laying next to me.
I think mornings without you are the worst. I miss the time we sit in the quiet of the morning and talk. I think when you wake up at four thirty in the morning with someone for years you get to know them very well. I was thinking that all the times I was selfish with you , meaning those times I just wanted to be alone with you . I think that happened to somehow compensate me for these days without you. But to me there is no way to ease the pain of you not being here. I want to make your coffee then I want to just sit and talk to you face to face. Not phone to phone. I want to see the expressions as we speak, I want to see your eyes, I want to see your lips move.
Any way I was just wishing you were here.
Hi, I hope this letter finds you in good health. I miss you! Waking up this Sunday morning seems lonelier than most. I woke up and you still weren’t laying next to me.
I think mornings without you are the worst. I miss the time we sit in the quiet of the morning and talk. I think when you wake up at four thirty in the morning with someone for years you get to know them very well. I was thinking that all the times I was selfish with you , meaning those times I just wanted to be alone with you . I think that happened to somehow compensate me for these days without you. But to me there is no way to ease the pain of you not being here. I want to make your coffee then I want to just sit and talk to you face to face. Not phone to phone. I want to see the expressions as we speak, I want to see your eyes, I want to see your lips move.
Any way I was just wishing you were here.
Day 1469
Day 1469
The memories flash like old home movies
Memories some happy some sad
Days filled with no idea of the trouble ahead
Laughter filled voices
Days spent on the beach
I can see you coming out of the water
You are beautiful to me
There is nothing I don’t like about you
Its not a cliche but you are perfect to me
Your eyes show me your wonderful yet sad soul
Your heart is so kind and giving
I can see us back in the store in Chicago
You paying for the little boys candy
As tough as you try to make people think you are
I know better
You are the kindest men I have ever met
I can see you hiding in the car to get away from the mosquitoes
Thus the sensible side of you
The next day when all but you were eaten alive by the mosquitoes
You sat without a bite
I see you bending over a pool table
Confidence is what I see
You know your worth
Also you know your strengths
I watch you run the table in awe of your skill
I see you with a tear running down your cheek
As you witness our daughters birth
I see the fear in your face
Yet I see a man who will be a great loving father to her
I see you the first time you hold our son
I see pride with this, your first born child your son
I see you bending over a pool table
Confidence is what I see
You know your worth
Also you know your strengths
I watch you run the table in awe of your skill
I see you with a tear running down your cheek
As you witness our daughters birth
I see the fear in your face
Yet I see a man who will be a great loving father to her
I see you the first time you hold our son
I see pride with this, your first born child your son
The memories flash like old home movies
Memories some happy some sad
Days filled with no idea of the trouble ahead
Laughter filled voices
Days spent on the beach
I can see you coming out of the water
You are beautiful to me
There is nothing I don’t like about you
Its not a cliche but you are perfect to me
Your eyes show me your wonderful yet sad soul
Your heart is so kind and giving
I can see us back in the store in Chicago
You paying for the little boys candy
As tough as you try to make people think you are
I know better
You are the kindest men I have ever met
I can see you hiding in the car to get away from the mosquitoes
Thus the sensible side of you
The next day when all but you were eaten alive by the mosquitoes
You sat without a bite
I see you bending over a pool table
Confidence is what I see
You know your worth
Also you know your strengths
I watch you run the table in awe of your skill
I see you with a tear running down your cheek
As you witness our daughters birth
I see the fear in your face
Yet I see a man who will be a great loving father to her
I see you the first time you hold our son
I see pride with this, your first born child your son
I see you bending over a pool table
Confidence is what I see
You know your worth
Also you know your strengths
I watch you run the table in awe of your skill
I see you with a tear running down your cheek
As you witness our daughters birth
I see the fear in your face
Yet I see a man who will be a great loving father to her
I see you the first time you hold our son
I see pride with this, your first born child your son
Day 1468
I wish I could run my fingers through your thick hair
I wish I could run my finger across your shoulder bone
I wish I could run my hands down your back
I wish I was wrapped in your body.
I miss the way your body smells
I remember it
It is locked away in my brain
I miss hearing you breath
I want to fall asleep on your arm
I want the first thing I see when I wake up is your face
I want to wake up and make love to you.
I want to feel your body inside of me
I want our two souls to become one .
I want to light your cigarette
I wish I could run my fingers through your thick hair
I wish I could run my finger across your shoulder bone
I wish I could run my hands down your back
I wish I was wrapped in your body.
I miss the way your body smells
I remember it
It is locked away in my brain
I miss hearing you breath
I want to fall asleep on your arm
I want the first thing I see when I wake up is your face
I want to wake up and make love to you.
I want to feel your body inside of me
I want our two souls to become one .
I want to light your cigarette
Day 1460
I long to feel your body close to mine.
I long to smell your body
To run my fingers through your thick hair.
I want to wrap my body around yours and never let you go.
I long to lie in bed next to you
Watching you as you sleep
As I have done thousands of times before.
I long to see your startled expression when you wake to see me staring at you.
I long to hear you snore
I long to hear you talk in your sleep in English
I know that’s when your speaking to me.
I long to wake at four thirty am and have coffee with you before you leave for work.
I long for those quite morning talks
I long for those times we spent alone,,,, just us .
I long to see you smile
I long to feel your body close to mine.
I long to smell your body
To run my fingers through your thick hair.
I want to wrap my body around yours and never let you go.
I long to lie in bed next to you
Watching you as you sleep
As I have done thousands of times before.
I long to see your startled expression when you wake to see me staring at you.
I long to hear you snore
I long to hear you talk in your sleep in English
I know that’s when your speaking to me.
I long to wake at four thirty am and have coffee with you before you leave for work.
I long for those quite morning talks
I long for those times we spent alone,,,, just us .
I long to see you smile
Alejandro Fernandez.
Que Voy A Hacer Con Mi Amorle baje las estrellas de un solo golpe tal vez ese fue mi error le ofreci cada dia y cada noche el alma y el corazn pero no le basto no fue suficiente no quiso quererme como la quise yo. Que voy hacer con todo este amor que no cabe en mi pecho que me cala los huesos que se ahoga en este mar de dolor que me quema la carne y que me hierve la sangre que me esta partiendo en dos la razn Que voy a hacer sin su amor que voy a hacer con mi amor Se alejo de mi vida de un solo golpe se fue sin decirme adios me rompi la sonrisa las ilusiones el alma y el corazn le di todo mi amor y no fue sufriente no quiso quererme como la quise yo Que voy hacer con todo este amor que no cabe en mi pecho que me cala los huesos que se ahoga en este mar de dolor que me quema la carne y que me hierve la sangre que me esta partiendo en dos la razn Que voy a hacer sin su amor que voy a hacer con mi amor. que no cabe en mi pecho que me cala los huesos que se ahoga en este mar de dolor que me quema la carne y que me hierve la sangre que me esta partiendo en dos la razn
Que Voy A Hacer Con Mi Amorle baje las estrellas de un solo golpe tal vez ese fue mi error le ofreci cada dia y cada noche el alma y el corazn pero no le basto no fue suficiente no quiso quererme como la quise yo. Que voy hacer con todo este amor que no cabe en mi pecho que me cala los huesos que se ahoga en este mar de dolor que me quema la carne y que me hierve la sangre que me esta partiendo en dos la razn Que voy a hacer sin su amor que voy a hacer con mi amor Se alejo de mi vida de un solo golpe se fue sin decirme adios me rompi la sonrisa las ilusiones el alma y el corazn le di todo mi amor y no fue sufriente no quiso quererme como la quise yo Que voy hacer con todo este amor que no cabe en mi pecho que me cala los huesos que se ahoga en este mar de dolor que me quema la carne y que me hierve la sangre que me esta partiendo en dos la razn Que voy a hacer sin su amor que voy a hacer con mi amor. que no cabe en mi pecho que me cala los huesos que se ahoga en este mar de dolor que me quema la carne y que me hierve la sangre que me esta partiendo en dos la razn
Day 1340
As I scan the faces on the bus I don’t see yours
I see so many faces everyday
Yet the only face I want to see I don’t
I find myself look for someone that has the same features as you
But I cant
There are people that have almost the same hair
Maybe some with a mustache like yours
But I want to look into your eyes
I want to look into your soul
They are so dark yet there is light that emanates
Showing me all that is inside of your heart and soul
I want to see your old man legs
I am sure one of the old men on the bus has old men legs
But there not your old man legs
Bowleg and the hairs rubbed off from your pants.
I know I never told you why I called you old man legs that is why
I love your old man legs
I love being wrapped up in them
There is probably someone on the bus that has three hairs on his chest
But I don’t want to pull his out like I do yours
Just to see the look on your face when I try to do it
There are many people who have your color skin
I know its not as soft as yours though.
You have the softest skin I have ever felt.
I love the feel of your skin.
Most of the people on the bus smell
But its not your smell
Oh I wish I could smell you
No one smells like you
I would be able to find you in a crowd if I were blind
Just by your smell
I have never smelled anything better in my life
Than the smell of you.
The bus people surround me
I wish I was on a bus surrounded by you
I wish I was anywhere but here on this bus
Alone
Without you
As I scan the faces on the bus I don’t see yours
I see so many faces everyday
Yet the only face I want to see I don’t
I find myself look for someone that has the same features as you
But I cant
There are people that have almost the same hair
Maybe some with a mustache like yours
But I want to look into your eyes
I want to look into your soul
They are so dark yet there is light that emanates
Showing me all that is inside of your heart and soul
I want to see your old man legs
I am sure one of the old men on the bus has old men legs
But there not your old man legs
Bowleg and the hairs rubbed off from your pants.
I know I never told you why I called you old man legs that is why
I love your old man legs
I love being wrapped up in them
There is probably someone on the bus that has three hairs on his chest
But I don’t want to pull his out like I do yours
Just to see the look on your face when I try to do it
There are many people who have your color skin
I know its not as soft as yours though.
You have the softest skin I have ever felt.
I love the feel of your skin.
Most of the people on the bus smell
But its not your smell
Oh I wish I could smell you
No one smells like you
I would be able to find you in a crowd if I were blind
Just by your smell
I have never smelled anything better in my life
Than the smell of you.
The bus people surround me
I wish I was on a bus surrounded by you
I wish I was anywhere but here on this bus
Alone
Without you
Day 1070
The days are dark
The nights are dark
My life seems to gone into the abyss
My life is dark with out you.
I need the light in my life
I am searching in the dark
I am lost in the darkness
I am afraid of the dark
I am afraid of so many things
Yet I walk this earth alone
I don’t want to walk alone
I want you here
I want you here to bring the light back into my life.
I need you here to walk besides me
I need you here to take my fear away.
I want you here to make me feel safe again.
The darkness is covering my world
Come back and light up my world
I love you
The days are dark
The nights are dark
My life seems to gone into the abyss
My life is dark with out you.
I need the light in my life
I am searching in the dark
I am lost in the darkness
I am afraid of the dark
I am afraid of so many things
Yet I walk this earth alone
I don’t want to walk alone
I want you here
I want you here to bring the light back into my life.
I need you here to walk besides me
I need you here to take my fear away.
I want you here to make me feel safe again.
The darkness is covering my world
Come back and light up my world
I love you
Day 1000
One thousand is such a large number
Yet I have made it through one thousand days without you
It feels much longer
I have missed out on one thousand kisses
I have missed out on one thousand hugs
I have missed one thousand chances to look into your eyes.
I have missed one thousand times of making love to you.
I have missed hearing you say I love you one thousand times.
One thousand lost days
One thousand days without the one I love
One thousand days without the man who keeps me grounded
One thousand days without my best friend
One thousand days without seeing your smile.
One thousand nights spent alone in bed
One thousand nights with tears on my pillow
One thousand nights not hearing you say I love You
One thousand nights not smelling you as I fall asleep
One thousand nights without wrapping up in each others bodies.
One thousand nights with only my memories of you.
One thousand is a very large number
I do not want to spend another one thousand days
Or one thousand nights
Without you
I LOVE YOU!
One thousand is such a large number
Yet I have made it through one thousand days without you
It feels much longer
I have missed out on one thousand kisses
I have missed out on one thousand hugs
I have missed one thousand chances to look into your eyes.
I have missed one thousand times of making love to you.
I have missed hearing you say I love you one thousand times.
One thousand lost days
One thousand days without the one I love
One thousand days without the man who keeps me grounded
One thousand days without my best friend
One thousand days without seeing your smile.
One thousand nights spent alone in bed
One thousand nights with tears on my pillow
One thousand nights not hearing you say I love You
One thousand nights not smelling you as I fall asleep
One thousand nights without wrapping up in each others bodies.
One thousand nights with only my memories of you.
One thousand is a very large number
I do not want to spend another one thousand days
Or one thousand nights
Without you
I LOVE YOU!
Day 367
I love you more today than I loved you yesterday
I love you from the depths of my soul
From places in never knew existed until I met you.
You woke me
I have never loved anyone the way I love you.
You came into my life and gave me calmness
You made me feel safe
I have never felt safe before I met you.
You made me feel I was worthy of love
You gave me my self confidence
You have always made me feel beautiful
You made me feel I was a beautiful person
You made me feel sexy
I will never stop loving you
You saved my life so long ago
I LOVE YOU!
I love you more today than I loved you yesterday
I love you from the depths of my soul
From places in never knew existed until I met you.
You woke me
I have never loved anyone the way I love you.
You came into my life and gave me calmness
You made me feel safe
I have never felt safe before I met you.
You made me feel I was worthy of love
You gave me my self confidence
You have always made me feel beautiful
You made me feel I was a beautiful person
You made me feel sexy
I will never stop loving you
You saved my life so long ago
I LOVE YOU!
On this our one year anniversary
I have cried more tears than ever before
They are not tears of happiness
They are tears of pain, hurt and anguish.
This is an anniversary I wish we never had.
It has been one year since you were taken out of our lives.
A year of many tears
A year of much loneliness
A year of lost time
A year I will never forget.
It has been a year since they deported you.
You have missed so much in our kids lives
You have missed things with them that you can never get back
How much more are you going to miss out on.
On this our anniversary I have only one thing I would like
Its not silver
Its not gold
Its not paper
Its YOU
I have cried more tears than ever before
They are not tears of happiness
They are tears of pain, hurt and anguish.
This is an anniversary I wish we never had.
It has been one year since you were taken out of our lives.
A year of many tears
A year of much loneliness
A year of lost time
A year I will never forget.
It has been a year since they deported you.
You have missed so much in our kids lives
You have missed things with them that you can never get back
How much more are you going to miss out on.
On this our anniversary I have only one thing I would like
Its not silver
Its not gold
Its not paper
Its YOU
Day 365
Happy Anniversary this is not
I cried as hard today as the day you were deported
Every inch of my body hurts
Pain is nothing new to me but this pain this pain is
Almost unbearable
The only thing that keeps me going is you being there without your kids
And your kids being here without you.
I know the pain you feel must be the same if not more
For you are there without us, without your kids.
I know you are so lonely.
I wish I could be with you and take your pain away.
Happy Anniversary this is not
I cried as hard today as the day you were deported
Every inch of my body hurts
Pain is nothing new to me but this pain this pain is
Almost unbearable
The only thing that keeps me going is you being there without your kids
And your kids being here without you.
I know the pain you feel must be the same if not more
For you are there without us, without your kids.
I know you are so lonely.
I wish I could be with you and take your pain away.
Being away from you hurts
At times it feels as though I wont make it
I haven’t felt whole since they took you away.
I have never loved anyone the way I love you
You are the only person I have ever let see behind the mask
I have never felt so comfortable with anyone like I do with you
You know things about me that I would never want anyone else to know
And yet you still love me.
I have often felt wonderment that you kept loving me
You kept loving me after the atrocious things I have put you through
There is not a man alive who would have put up with the unforgivable things I have done and accused you of.
I cant apprehend how you still love me
But I do know you love me.
And you know I love you
We are such different people yet we are the same in so many ways.
I believe the lack of love we felt as children is one of the biggest reasons
We both felt the aloneness, isolation, alienation and unloved
And when we found each other we found all we had been missing
I know when I found you I became absolute
And I know when you found me you became complete
So for all those who though and still think we should have never been together I say they are credulous
We have been through so much
Most would have given up by now I think
We have been close at times at times too close
Yet here we are 18 years later.
And my passion for you has only grown stronger
And hearing your voice on the phone I think your passion has grown stronger
My love for you is immeasurable, never-ceasing , unrelenting
There are many more words to describe my love for you
One of the words that use to often describe my love was jealousy
I was always sure you would leave me like everyone else had
I wasted too many years being jealous of you.
I no longer have that feeling
I trust you and know you would never intentionally hurt me.
All you have ever done was love me
You let me be the person I was always unable to be
You loved me for me.
I love you
At times it feels as though I wont make it
I haven’t felt whole since they took you away.
I have never loved anyone the way I love you
You are the only person I have ever let see behind the mask
I have never felt so comfortable with anyone like I do with you
You know things about me that I would never want anyone else to know
And yet you still love me.
I have often felt wonderment that you kept loving me
You kept loving me after the atrocious things I have put you through
There is not a man alive who would have put up with the unforgivable things I have done and accused you of.
I cant apprehend how you still love me
But I do know you love me.
And you know I love you
We are such different people yet we are the same in so many ways.
I believe the lack of love we felt as children is one of the biggest reasons
We both felt the aloneness, isolation, alienation and unloved
And when we found each other we found all we had been missing
I know when I found you I became absolute
And I know when you found me you became complete
So for all those who though and still think we should have never been together I say they are credulous
We have been through so much
Most would have given up by now I think
We have been close at times at times too close
Yet here we are 18 years later.
And my passion for you has only grown stronger
And hearing your voice on the phone I think your passion has grown stronger
My love for you is immeasurable, never-ceasing , unrelenting
There are many more words to describe my love for you
One of the words that use to often describe my love was jealousy
I was always sure you would leave me like everyone else had
I wasted too many years being jealous of you.
I no longer have that feeling
I trust you and know you would never intentionally hurt me.
All you have ever done was love me
You let me be the person I was always unable to be
You loved me for me.
I love you
Day 1470
I wonder where you are right now
I wonder what you are doing
I wonder what you are wearing
Are you outside
Or are you locked up in your room
Have you eaten
I wonder if you are thinking of me
I don’t have to wonder if your happy
I know your heart is hurting
I hate thinking of you there all alone
I hate the thought of you wanting to talk and no one there to talk to
I cant even begin to understand how alone you are ever day.
You should not be alone
I need you here with me
I need to feel your body next to mine
I wonder if your wishing I would call
I wonder why you are so far away
It seems like we are worlds away
Even a mile away is to far
I wonder if you agree.
I wonder if that twinkle is still in your eyes
I hope this cruel twist of fate has not extinguished that
I prey we will not be wondering for much longer.
I love you always
I wonder where you are right now
I wonder what you are doing
I wonder what you are wearing
Are you outside
Or are you locked up in your room
Have you eaten
I wonder if you are thinking of me
I don’t have to wonder if your happy
I know your heart is hurting
I hate thinking of you there all alone
I hate the thought of you wanting to talk and no one there to talk to
I cant even begin to understand how alone you are ever day.
You should not be alone
I need you here with me
I need to feel your body next to mine
I wonder if your wishing I would call
I wonder why you are so far away
It seems like we are worlds away
Even a mile away is to far
I wonder if you agree.
I wonder if that twinkle is still in your eyes
I hope this cruel twist of fate has not extinguished that
I prey we will not be wondering for much longer.
I love you always
DAY 1461
Hearing your words today made me both smile and cry.
When you said you just wanted to hear my voice.
It made me feel loved .
But at the same time it made me feel so sad.
Thinking of you being there alone with no one to talk to.
I cant even imagine the loneliness you go through each day.
Going through each day without your kids.
Without any human touch.
I don’t think I could be as strong as you have for the past four years.
I could not imagine what it would be like to be away from our kids.
I do know how much it hurts to be away from you.
Day 1345
Anger is consuming me
Anger at my country
Anger at my government
Anger at you
Anger at me
I hate these feelings
I want you here with me
I want my government to let you come back
They do less to a rapist than what they are doing to us
This is not the country I read about in the history books
How can a government or country keep lovers apart
How can a government or country keep a family apart
I don’t think the founding fathers would have gone for that
I feel like I am living in one of the communist countries they warned us about in school
Yet I know I haven’t gone to live in another country
This is still my country
I think
Our kids will not be fooled by the history books
They are living through the governments lies
They are the ones paying for the governments trampling on peoples human rights
Their innocence stolen
By a corrupt bunch of over paid self righteous crooks
Yes I am angry
I am angry that we must fight my government to be together.
Yes I am angry that our kids are hurting
I am angry that they can not be with you
Yes I am angry that my government has taken years away from us
Do you think if one of them had to live like this they could
I don’t think so
I think they would be changing these foolish laws I am angry
I don’t want to be angry anymore
I just want you
I just want our family back
I just want you back
I don’t want to feel this loneliness
I don’t want to feel this anger
I don’t want to live my life angry.
I want to be me again not this person they have made me
I want to laugh again
I want to smile
A real smile
I want the United States government to right their wrong
I want all the fathers back with their kids
I want all the wife’s back with their families
I want my husband back
I am angry
I don’t want to be angry anymore
I just want you
I just want our family back
I just want you back
I am angry
I don’t want to be angry anymore
I just want you
I just want our family back
I just want you back
I don’t want to feel this loneliness
I don’t want to feel this anger
I don’t want to live my life angry.
I want to be me again not this person they have made me
I want to laugh again
I want to smile
A real smile
I want the United States government to right their wrong
I want all the fathers back with their kids
I want all the wife’s back with their families
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