Day 1473
I called to talk to you today and of course there was something wrong with our connection. I hate not being able to speak to you when I want to , its bad enough that we have to talk over the phone. I miss sitting down next to you and talking. I want to look into your eyes while we are talking not see you in my mind. There was nothing important that I wanted to say I just needed to speak to you. I love you and miss you so very much. I wish you were here today to go shopping with us. You could have taken Martin to get his clothes. I also wish you were her to sit down and talk to him about sex and girls and growing up and all that stuff that he gets embarrassed talking to me about. I went in and checked out his my space page and I was a little worried when I was reading his questionnaire and one of the questions was what is your goal for this year and his answer was to have sex. Reading that made my heart sink. I think he is way to young to have sex and yet I want to get condoms for him so if something happens he will be protected. But I don’t want him to think that by giving him the condom I agree with his decision. I think I will get him one and before giving it to him tell him that I feel he is too you but if he is going to have sex then he must use a condom , I have already told him that it only takes one time to have a baby and also it only takes one time to get aids. Wow I need you here. But we will be alright until you get back. Alex is excited about going back to school. They go back next week, we got all her supplies today I got some for Martin but since I don’t know what he needs I am going to have to wait till he gets a list from the different classes. I gave him seventy dollars to get a few clothes today and all he could do was complain that that wasn’t enough money so he bought a pair of shorts and had forty dollars left that he gave back and I am going to give him two hundred in a few days to go. I cant wait until he is old enough to realize how selfish he is being. He knows that I need to get him a shot and I need to pay the school the hundred dollars for breaking the rail at the prom.
And of course all the other bills. I get so frustrated sometimes when I go shopping for food he brings his friends here and they eat so much food it is crazy I want to say something to him about it but I don’t want to sound like a bitch to him so I don’t say anything at all. I am feeling so overwhelmed right now. I think between work and the kids I am just frazzled. Why I call it frazzled I don’t know its mental shit and I am about to go into a very deep depression and I don’t have any meds for it and for sure I cant afford them right now. I thought about going back to a counselor, I think they may have one at the University Hospital. I don’t know I just hate to have to go through another funk. I know what would help me even more than the med or counselors if I just had you here to hold me. If you made love to me.