Febuary

Well its coming again
In the cold of winter
I hate the cold
Especially when you are not here to keep me warm.

It will be February 22 soon and I will be with you
Celebrating our anniversary
I will be warm with you near
And the warm air in Mexico will help

Maybe for our next anniversary we will be here in the cold
Keeping each other warm
That would be the best gift I could wish for.

I am getting excited about seeing you
Being able to touch you
Just to sit with you even in silence would be great.

I love you!

My health

I got my test results back on Tuesday. I was not good news the surgeon does not want to operate on my hernia until I lose weight and stop smoking. So for 20 days I measured food counted calories walked and exercised. I gained a pound, yet he said I look much healthier and he is proud of me but wants to see me back in another month. Meanwhile I am in so much pain my stomach feels like I am being stabbed. I left that appointment and went to see the gastro doctor who explained that on a scale of 0-4 my cirrhosis is a tiny bit above 3 and the swelling in my liver is at a 3, he said he would like me to going a drug study. Then asked what was going on in my life and when I told him about fighting to get you back losing the house being laid off December 5th and raising two kids he decided it would not be a good time for me to join the study as some of the side effects could make my mental health worse than it already is. He did say to come back in 6 months and that if my life changed before then I could get in the study. So if in 6 months you come back we find a place to live I can go get the treatment I need to have a chance to live.
What a bunch of crap, I have lived the past 6 yrs. in hell what could those meds do to me that I haven't been through yet? I understand that he is just looking out for my health but I want to see our kids grow up, I want to live to be old with you. Now all that goes through my mind is what if my liver gets so bad there is nothing left for them to do? Then what? I don't know what I have ever done so bad to go through all of this I never intentionally hurt anyone I have tried to be a good person yet it seems I must have done something really wrong for this to be my life. I have accepted all the crap I went through growing up being molested raped living on the streets for 10 yrs. living a way no person should ever have to live but now why more. What the hell did I do to get this shit thrown on me?

Waiting

Waiting is so hard
It can drive a sane person mad
So imagine what it does to me
At times I think this will never end
Other times I think my body will not make it to the end of the wait

I have waited five and a half years
racing against this horrible disease that is going to take me
I thought I might get you back before it got me
But from what the doctors are saying that might not be the way it works out.
I can not imagine losing whats left of my life here alone waiting

Waiting to die is horrible
Waiting to live is worse
Waiting for the one you love to come home is unexplainable

I am tired of waiting
I want whats left of my life to be spent with you here helping me through this
I don't want to die waiting.

Waiting is like wasting away
I don't want to waste away alone
I am tired of waiting on the government
I am tired of waiting on them to give me what should never have been taken from me to begin with
I am tired of waiting on old men who have no idea what real life is like to make up their minds

I am tired of waiting to die
I am tired of fighting things I cant see touch or hear
I am tired of waiting on things and others to make choices that will effect our lives.

I am so tired of waiting

Missing you

I have missed you from day one of this ordeal. Now however it seems to be getting worse, I am not sure if its because of my health getting worse or the dire circumstances of whats going on in our everyday lives here but it all seems to be spinning out of control. As if I ever had control, but that's neither here nor there. You have always been the first thing I think about in the morning when I wake and the very last thing I think of as I fall to sleep, and all through the day. Yet lately not even hearing your voice on the other end of the phone seems to help the pain I feel. I feel so alone and lost without you. I pray every night that we will be together again soon yet my prayers seem to fall on deaf ears. I know my health would improve if you were here just to be held by you would do wonders for me, the rest would just be icing on the cake. I need this bullshit to come to an end I need the judges to make up their minds. How long can it take for 3 people to make a decision in a week it will be 4 months since the court hearing and yet there is no answer our live being lived in limbo. It is not acceptable to me those old think they know it all judges need to answer. We are now in our 6th year apart I have never been able to speak to anyone who has any power to change the law that rips families like ours apart. I really want to speak to someone who matters and let them know what this has done to us all of us. I wonder if they could handle all we have been through? I doubt it! To walk around feeling hollow because the one person you love is thousands of miles away yet you have to go through the motions of your life. Walking around in so much pain you feel as though you will burst out crying at anytime. Sitting with you kids watching television but not even paying attention because your mind is thinking of only one thing. Where is the man I feel in love with and why cant he be here holding me helping me through this. No I think most of them would not make it through this yet because of them I have to. What bullshit!
I miss you
I love you.

Happy Birthday to our son

Happy Birthday Martin Jr.
This is now the sixth birthday you missed with our son.
I know he is missing you!
I think me standing there singing happy birthday to him was not how he wanted to start his 17th year, but he did let me give him a kiss on the cheek something I haven't been able to do for years now so that was great for me not so much for him as he promptly wiped it off.
I got him a pair of shoes, well I gave him the money and he bought them. I couldn't afford them but he always seems to get screwed on his birthday and I thought it would be better to give him something than the usual wait until I get my income tax check. So I am not going to pay a few bills on time this month but it is so worth it. I know he wishes you were here as do I but we will do the birthday call later today after he gets home from school. You have missed so much so many memories that you will never get back but I am praying that for his 18th birthday we will be together as a family. I also want to thank you for giving me the best son a mother could ever want he is perfect in every way I love you for giving him to me and I love him for being who he is. He has matured so much since this journey has started and I see so much of you in him that is one thing that helps me get through this mess. I love you and I know you wish you could be here with him today and he knows this also.
I love you and miss you so much.