My health

I got my test results back on Tuesday. I was not good news the surgeon does not want to operate on my hernia until I lose weight and stop smoking. So for 20 days I measured food counted calories walked and exercised. I gained a pound, yet he said I look much healthier and he is proud of me but wants to see me back in another month. Meanwhile I am in so much pain my stomach feels like I am being stabbed. I left that appointment and went to see the gastro doctor who explained that on a scale of 0-4 my cirrhosis is a tiny bit above 3 and the swelling in my liver is at a 3, he said he would like me to going a drug study. Then asked what was going on in my life and when I told him about fighting to get you back losing the house being laid off December 5th and raising two kids he decided it would not be a good time for me to join the study as some of the side effects could make my mental health worse than it already is. He did say to come back in 6 months and that if my life changed before then I could get in the study. So if in 6 months you come back we find a place to live I can go get the treatment I need to have a chance to live.
What a bunch of crap, I have lived the past 6 yrs. in hell what could those meds do to me that I haven't been through yet? I understand that he is just looking out for my health but I want to see our kids grow up, I want to live to be old with you. Now all that goes through my mind is what if my liver gets so bad there is nothing left for them to do? Then what? I don't know what I have ever done so bad to go through all of this I never intentionally hurt anyone I have tried to be a good person yet it seems I must have done something really wrong for this to be my life. I have accepted all the crap I went through growing up being molested raped living on the streets for 10 yrs. living a way no person should ever have to live but now why more. What the hell did I do to get this shit thrown on me?