Sick

You made me smile today
I dont smile very often anymore but you made me smile
Usually when I speak to you I just feel so alone.

I know this has changed you
Anytime you hear my voice and know I am sick then ask why I am not taking medication,
You who never takes anything
You who always thought I was taking too much medication
Telling me to take medication.

I have become like wonder woman I dont need anything for pain, asthma,hernia,hepititis,headaches
What was that song I am woman hear me roar.
Too funny
I have become so strong I dont need anything
I dont need to numb my body or my mind I can deal with it all

You know I am just bullshitting right
I can't take meds and work or I will not be able to do the work
And you know how bad I want to be hired by this company.
But you need not worry I will be ok
I told you I am too angry and fought too hard to get you back to let something like dying block my way.

I love you and miss you
I wish you were here to take care of me
You have always been so kind and caring when I was sick
I miss that so much (not being sick)
You always made sure I had anything I needed.
I also remember you before my gallbladder surgery
I remember right before they put me to sleep you had a tear running down your face
You were so scared something was going to happen to me
But here I am fifteen years later
Still sick
And I need you here to help me.

I love you

Smiles and Jokes

It's nice to speak to you and hear you laugh
Even if its at a stupid joke I search for just to make you laugh.
I love to hear you laugh
Especially in a time like this when you are so nervous about the court date.
And you not being one for joke make it hard for me to find one that makes you laugh
I am doing pretty good though 2 out of 3 isnt bad.

I tell you to be positive
I tell myself to be positive also
I try so hard not to let the negitive thoughts in but
Sometimes they creep in and invade my thougths
So for now we will just stick with the jokes

I love to see you smile
And when I was there and told you the joke little johnny it was so nice to see you smile
I know there is not much for you to laugh or smile about but you need to
We all do
Its healthy and we need to stay healthy
Mentally and physically
For when we are together.

I am going now to find tomorrows joke
I love you and miss you
Yes more today than yesterday!

Feeling better

Its taken a few long days but I am getting to a better place
physically, mentally and spiritually.
I have long questioned God's plan for me,
My life seems to be one hardship after another
Does he really think I am that strong?
People say God doesn't make mistakes and I for sure am not going to say it,
I just wonder
How strong he made me because I sure don't feel strong never have EVER
Yet its one thing after another
I know his love and I know he always takes care of my needs in the end but
I am so tired of trying to be strong I feel weak
I am so tired of fighting
Especially things I cant see or understand
Yet I have to keep fighting for the sake of my kids, husband and my sanity.
I pray this all of this will stop
I want my family back my sanity (not much to begin with) back
I want a day at least one day just to sit and not worry about all of these things
People say be careful of what you ask for but I am asking

I love you and miss you more today than I did yesterday
Soon we will be together!
Love you

tears, pain and the heart

tears keep coming
I don't know how to stop them
the pain is so intense I think it will never stop
or even lessen
my heart feels like it has finally broken in half
the intense feeling I am feeling are breath taking

I don't know if I can make it through this
I don't even know why it is happening now today
Why??
Its not like this is new its been going on for five years why now
All the dark thoughts that fill my brain scare me
Its been so long since I have had them
I am older now and can deal better but they still scare the shit out of me
All the pain is not helping things

As I type tears stream down my face
All I can do is wish you were here to help me through this
Your not and I don't know if I can make it through without you
I am really scared Martin
I need you here now

You are my medication
Your arms heal me more than any pill or therapist can
The sound of your voice heals my pain
Your hands wipe the tears from my face

I feel so weak
So alone
I want my life back
I am tired of fighting alone
What will I do if you are not allowed to come back
How can I make it without you
I can't I know this
You have kept me strong for 18 years
I can't do this with out you

Come home
I love you

Love

Love is not something we choose
Love is something that happens to us when we are living
And there most certainly is love at first site
At least in our case
The first time I saw you I fell in love with you
I was too afraid to speak to you
So I just watched you for weeks

Then one day you walked by and said Hola
I was so happy
Then a few days later you asked me to go with you
I was more than happy to do so.

We were together since that time
With a few break ups but we always got back together.
We are or I should say were such different people
Our backgrounds could not be more different
And I know that was hard on both of us for a long time
Then we finally got to understand each other
And understand that it wasn't disrespect it was just the way we were brought up

In my case it was more of I had raised myself and lived on the street so long I wasn't use to anyone telling me what to do or expecting me to do things.
In your case it was how you were taught that women should be, and I for sure am not that way
But in the end it all worked out how it was suppose to.

So I have come to know love finally, as have you
We have shown each other the true meaning of love
True love is not easy but it is worth all you have to go through to have it.
It keeps you safe in times of trouble
It keeps me warm at night when I am without you
It keeps me going when I just don't have the strength to go on

I love you

Five year Anniversary

Normally someone would say happy anniversary
I will not say that for this is such a sad day
A day that I will never forget
It has been five years now
Five years that I wake up with out you beside me
Five years that I drink my morning coffee alone
Five years that I cant make dinner for you
Five years that I don't have my best friend to come home to after a hard day
Five years that I don't lay down at night feeling the warmth of your body next to mine

Five years is a long time to be without the one you love
Five years is a long time to be away from your best friend
Five years is a long time to sleep alone
Five years is a very long time to wonder if you are ok down there
Five years is a long time to be without your husband or wife in your case
Five years is too long to be away from our kids.

What have you miss in five years
You have missed so much
Things that you can never get back
Like seeing our son win his track meets and make varsity track in his freshmen year
Watching him play high school football for the first time
See him asked to the junior prom his freshman year seeing him in his tuxedo
Watching our daughter play her first sport basketball
See her scared to play then only to be the best on her team
Watch her play volleyball
See when she was awarded the presidential award for most improved
Watching her grow into a young woman.
Or see her so excited to start middle school

You have missed so much and I am sorry for you and the kids for all that you have missed
I know we will be together again, I only hope its not another five years!
So on this five year anniversary
I will lay down once again without you
I will lie down and think of you
And I will wake tomorrow alone without you
I will not ever stop loving you and wanting you though!

I love you

Time

days-1,825
hours- 43,920
minutes- 2,635,200
seconds- 158,112,000

On this the 5th year anniversity is how long the government has kept us apart.

I love you

The Olympics,Pride of Country& Immigration

Today brought back some memories of days long gone by.
I can remember sitting and watching the Olympics loving it,
mostly because I got to see so many people from places I would never have the chance to go
And watching my country win medals was a secondary pleasure.
But something is different now
I do feel pride when I hear the national anthem but it is not the same pride I had a young girl.
Its more of a memory thing I think like I know that song use to make me feel proud to be an American, yet now I am confused at how I feel about my country.
I know I am lucky beyond belief to live in such a wonderful place
Yet I feel like my country has betrayed me and my family.
Like they once again have shown indifference to me.
The first time I felt this way was after being raped at age twelve, going through all that only to have my rapist given a slap on the wrist
When I still deal with the pain of it, but it was like no one cared.
Thus the years of mental illness that to this day plague me.
I thought I had gotten over the way I was treated by the government (the judge)
But when Martin was deported I remember thinking how little my own country cared about me or my family.
So while watching the Olympics tonight when I saw our flag raised the mixed up feeling started once again.
I know people die to come to this country yet
I feel like an outsider or as I often refer to myself and family an Invisible American
Tossed aside because of who I chose to marry
And the irony of it is I chose to marry a Mexican National for the love and closeness their families have
One of the main reasons for marring who I married
My country once again took that away from me.
There were many other reasons I married Martin but seeing how he was with his family was huge
The closeness even when they were so far away
Calling his mother almost weekly, the closeness with his siblings, aunts, uncles all of that.
I lived on my own since the age of 15 and I was finally going to have a family
What a great feeling that was all I had gone through on the streets could be left behind.
But my country took it all away.
And once again I am so close to being homeless
But this time the stakes are much higher as I have two kids
Two kids that I never want to experience what hell is out there.
So needless to say having Pride of Country at this time is so very hard.
Once again a judge will decide what will happen in my life
The difference this time is he will also decide the fate of my family
I am strong and the judge in the rape case made a horrible mistake
But that was back in the seventies it did change me but as did the rape
Yet this decision will change more than just me
And it scares the hell out of me.
So I would like to hear the national anthem and feel proud to be an American
I want to have pride in my country again
I want my family back.

I love you, Martin

A Funk

Today I was in a funk all day
I don't understand why its harder on me right after I come back from a visit with you
than when I haven't seen you for 6 months or so.
I always miss you but it seems that right after a visit its so hard for me to cope.
I laid on the sofa today and watched the Olympics
then even that wasn't enough to keep my mind from wandering back to you.
So I wrapped myself up in a blanket on the sofa and thought about you until sleep took over.
It gets hard for me to watch people living their life when I feel mine has stopped
I know my body is getting older but it seems I haven't lived for the past 5 years
Its like you said its not living its just waiting
And waiting is not living, but without you here I don't want to do anything
I just want you back here with us.
Then I will live again,
Sometimes its hard just to get out of the bed
Not that I want to sleep I just lie their thinking what is the use of getting up
Then one of the kids will come in and give me a reason
Well a reason they need me up
But for me there is not a reason to get up.
They think I am so crabby and I guess I am but how do I get up and greet the day with a smile
I remember a so called friend telling me I need to get on with my life
She said she had a friend I needed to meet
I looked at her like she was nuts
She knew how much in love with you I am yet she wanted me to meet someone new
Needless to say we are not friends any longer she just didn't get it.
I remember the vows I took and I don't remember saying I will love you till you are deported.
I am just tired of feeling so lonely, but you are the only person I that can change that.
So I guess I will be in a funk for some time.
I just want you back
I need you back
I love you

Proud of Me

You tell me you are proud of me.
When I ask you why you answer
You know how much pain my body is in and I keep working when they call.
That I am a good mother, that I am strong for going through this.
Well I am proud of you
I have always thought you were strong and seeing what you have gone through these last five years has only made me know I was right about you from the start.
You have changed in many ways these last five years though you are not the same man I married.
I think you talk more now but that's probably because you are so lonely, and you talk about your feeling which talking to you before was like pulling teeth.
You tell me I love you much more than before, but on our last visit when you explained that I have been the only person to ever say those words to you made me understand your not saying it that often.
Your more tolerant of my mood swings, not saying you like seeing me go through them but you seem to understand why I go through them
I hope its not because you are getting as crazy as I always have been, maybe its being together for 18 years.
But the main thing that has changed about you is you cry,
the only time I had ever seen you cry was when each of our kids were born.
And you and the kids have always made fun of me because of how easy I cry, at movies, news on tv, or just reading something sad.
I have never felt bad or embarrassed for crying I have always been like that it my heart feels more than most peoples its nothing to be embarrassed of and I am glad to see that you do have tear ducts.
Crying does not make you less of a man it only makes you more human.
So I am proud of you
For staying strong while going through hell
For not giving up
For being a GREAT husband and father even 1800 miles away.
For keeping me strong when I feel like giving up.
We will get through this together I will rely on your strength and you can rely on my heart.
I love you and miss you.

August 9, 2008

I am feeling like I am letting you down.
When we spoke today and you asked if I had eaten and I told you it was too early for me to eat.
And you told me that you were eating your fathers eggs again.
I wish I had money to send you, I know you are hungry and when I make dinner for the kids I feel almost guilty, I know they have to eat but then I think about you there hungry and me unable to send you money at this time I feel like I have let you down.
You tell me that you know the kids and I need the money and not to send it to you but I know you need it also.
I know what it is like to be hungry, my years of living on the streets taught me how it feels to be hungry.
I remember going days without food, and to this day it still amazes me that people would offer to buy me a beer before food.
Before I met you Gordo was the only person who would look for me to see if I had eaten, then you came and took me off the streets and I never went hungry.
I think that is the reason I feel so bad about not being able to send you money at this time.
You did so much for me and always made sure I was taken care of.
I will find work and I will be able to help you again until you are able to get back here
This I promise, I don't care if I have to clean toilets.
We are nearing the end of this and I am not about to lose the things I have worked so hard to keep.
I love you and miss you so much!

Sleep

It is hard to sleep without you
The only time I sleep well is when I am next to you, when I feel safe.
I lay in bed for hours
thinking of you wondering what you are doing, wondering if you are also having a hard time sleeping.
I look out into the night sky and think how far away you are and wonder
do you see the same stars I see, to you notice how full or bright the moon is tonight?
We are both under the same moon yet it feels like we are so far away we might as well be on different planets.
I think its funny that when I visit you I fall asleep so fast and you say and think that it is that way when I am away from you, but its not.
I told you its the safety I feel when I am next to you that lets me fall asleep in minutes.
Or it could be the lack of sleep that happens when I am away from you and my body just cant take it anymore.
Either way my best sleep is when you are next to me, and since its 2:45 am I guess you can tell I am away from you.
I never liked the nights, even as a child having my mom bring me through the house to check under the sofa in the closets looking for the monsters.
Without you here who will keep me safe from the monsters?

Having Hope

Having been together with you and the kids for two weeks has given me hope that we will be together as a family again. I have always told myself that it will happen but after this last visit I really do feel a strong feeling of hope. We need you back with us, our family is incomplete without you. I know you feel unsure about the outcome but I have so much hope that I am almost scared of what I am feeling but it is such a positive feeling I don't want it to go away, in a way I am almost scared of the upcoming court date only because for the first time in five years since this nightmare started I am feeling so confident that we will be together again and I don't want to stop feeling this wonderful feeling. We will be together again as a family I know this. I love you.