Merry Christmas

This is our 5th Christmas apart. I had done pretty well until this year in providing our kids with a half way decent Christmas. I was layed off December 5 with now warning, I had less than 500 dollars to get the bills paid and food. I know God gives me what I need but sometimes it would be nice to have something more just in case this is the month they foreclose on the house. I felt like such a loser these past weeks knowing I had nothing to give our kids. And to top it all off the same day I was let go I had a doctors appt. that did not go well, I will be having surgery yet again for a hernia and they are going to do a biopsy on my liver. My doctor wants me to start doing treatment for the Hep C after the surgery she says it has to be done before my liver gets much worse. What a year what a month. I have had 14 viles of blood taken in this past week, an ultra sound , cat scan. I don't know how I will pay for all this but it needs to be taken care of. The funny thing is I knew I was in need of another hernia surgery but if I had not gotten laid off I would have just let it go, I was in constant pain (still am) but I was getting a decent pay check. Now I have nothing. My Christmas wish is for you to be here holding me while I go through this mess. I pray every night and wait for the court to decide if we can be a family again. I need you here and our kids need you here. I know how lonely you feel down there by yourself during the holidays, I am sorry you are alone. I wish you were here. I am going to pray tonight that you will be here for our next Christmas. I love you and miss you so much!

September 21, 2008

I am feeling sick to my stomach
I am so worried about court I am having a hard time sleeping, concentrating, eating
Three more days till we go to court and I am worried sick.
I can't tell you how I feel because I tell you I know everything is going to be ok.
But inside me I am scared!
I have been scared many times in my life but nothing not even my life has meant as much to me as you do.
Us being together again as a family,
When I lay in the dark quiet room thinking of you of us
Tears streaming down my face every night
Knowing our being together again is dependent on a Judge.
A judge who knows nothing of us except what is in the briefs,
How could he ever understand our complex relationship,
It by no means is perfect, and yes we had lots of problems
Who doesn't ?
But to have my families future dependant on the opinion of 3 people who don't know us is driving me crazy.
When I lay in bed at the end of the day thinking of us and happier times I wonder if there will be more happy times to come.
And yes I have laid there and thought about some of the bad times also, but I understand those were lessons learned.
Now with 3 days to go I am frantic inside my mind is constantly racing
My thoughts are non stop,
I could just be my bipolar but I think this has more to do with the case than my brain.
What makes it harder is trying to pretend to be positive for you and the kids,
When inside I just want to scream and break down and cry.
So since I can't do that I keep it all in and it is really messing with me.
I need an end to this
And there is only one end I will accept
That is to have you back here with our family!

I love and miss you so very much!

Poem by Rod McKuen

NO WHISKY BARS
I believe that crawling into you is going back into myself.
That by the act of joining hands with you I become more of me.
There are no whiskey bars for dancers like ourselves,and so we move into each other like drunkards into open doorways.
My need for you is near addiction.
No sailor ever had tattoos growing on his fore arm the way your smile has willed itself back behind my eyes.
It will not dissolve.
It will not divide.
For I am nothing if not you.
-from Love’s Been Good to Me, 1979

Sick

You made me smile today
I dont smile very often anymore but you made me smile
Usually when I speak to you I just feel so alone.

I know this has changed you
Anytime you hear my voice and know I am sick then ask why I am not taking medication,
You who never takes anything
You who always thought I was taking too much medication
Telling me to take medication.

I have become like wonder woman I dont need anything for pain, asthma,hernia,hepititis,headaches
What was that song I am woman hear me roar.
Too funny
I have become so strong I dont need anything
I dont need to numb my body or my mind I can deal with it all

You know I am just bullshitting right
I can't take meds and work or I will not be able to do the work
And you know how bad I want to be hired by this company.
But you need not worry I will be ok
I told you I am too angry and fought too hard to get you back to let something like dying block my way.

I love you and miss you
I wish you were here to take care of me
You have always been so kind and caring when I was sick
I miss that so much (not being sick)
You always made sure I had anything I needed.
I also remember you before my gallbladder surgery
I remember right before they put me to sleep you had a tear running down your face
You were so scared something was going to happen to me
But here I am fifteen years later
Still sick
And I need you here to help me.

I love you

Smiles and Jokes

It's nice to speak to you and hear you laugh
Even if its at a stupid joke I search for just to make you laugh.
I love to hear you laugh
Especially in a time like this when you are so nervous about the court date.
And you not being one for joke make it hard for me to find one that makes you laugh
I am doing pretty good though 2 out of 3 isnt bad.

I tell you to be positive
I tell myself to be positive also
I try so hard not to let the negitive thoughts in but
Sometimes they creep in and invade my thougths
So for now we will just stick with the jokes

I love to see you smile
And when I was there and told you the joke little johnny it was so nice to see you smile
I know there is not much for you to laugh or smile about but you need to
We all do
Its healthy and we need to stay healthy
Mentally and physically
For when we are together.

I am going now to find tomorrows joke
I love you and miss you
Yes more today than yesterday!

Feeling better

Its taken a few long days but I am getting to a better place
physically, mentally and spiritually.
I have long questioned God's plan for me,
My life seems to be one hardship after another
Does he really think I am that strong?
People say God doesn't make mistakes and I for sure am not going to say it,
I just wonder
How strong he made me because I sure don't feel strong never have EVER
Yet its one thing after another
I know his love and I know he always takes care of my needs in the end but
I am so tired of trying to be strong I feel weak
I am so tired of fighting
Especially things I cant see or understand
Yet I have to keep fighting for the sake of my kids, husband and my sanity.
I pray this all of this will stop
I want my family back my sanity (not much to begin with) back
I want a day at least one day just to sit and not worry about all of these things
People say be careful of what you ask for but I am asking

I love you and miss you more today than I did yesterday
Soon we will be together!
Love you

tears, pain and the heart

tears keep coming
I don't know how to stop them
the pain is so intense I think it will never stop
or even lessen
my heart feels like it has finally broken in half
the intense feeling I am feeling are breath taking

I don't know if I can make it through this
I don't even know why it is happening now today
Why??
Its not like this is new its been going on for five years why now
All the dark thoughts that fill my brain scare me
Its been so long since I have had them
I am older now and can deal better but they still scare the shit out of me
All the pain is not helping things

As I type tears stream down my face
All I can do is wish you were here to help me through this
Your not and I don't know if I can make it through without you
I am really scared Martin
I need you here now

You are my medication
Your arms heal me more than any pill or therapist can
The sound of your voice heals my pain
Your hands wipe the tears from my face

I feel so weak
So alone
I want my life back
I am tired of fighting alone
What will I do if you are not allowed to come back
How can I make it without you
I can't I know this
You have kept me strong for 18 years
I can't do this with out you

Come home
I love you

Love

Love is not something we choose
Love is something that happens to us when we are living
And there most certainly is love at first site
At least in our case
The first time I saw you I fell in love with you
I was too afraid to speak to you
So I just watched you for weeks

Then one day you walked by and said Hola
I was so happy
Then a few days later you asked me to go with you
I was more than happy to do so.

We were together since that time
With a few break ups but we always got back together.
We are or I should say were such different people
Our backgrounds could not be more different
And I know that was hard on both of us for a long time
Then we finally got to understand each other
And understand that it wasn't disrespect it was just the way we were brought up

In my case it was more of I had raised myself and lived on the street so long I wasn't use to anyone telling me what to do or expecting me to do things.
In your case it was how you were taught that women should be, and I for sure am not that way
But in the end it all worked out how it was suppose to.

So I have come to know love finally, as have you
We have shown each other the true meaning of love
True love is not easy but it is worth all you have to go through to have it.
It keeps you safe in times of trouble
It keeps me warm at night when I am without you
It keeps me going when I just don't have the strength to go on

I love you

Five year Anniversary

Normally someone would say happy anniversary
I will not say that for this is such a sad day
A day that I will never forget
It has been five years now
Five years that I wake up with out you beside me
Five years that I drink my morning coffee alone
Five years that I cant make dinner for you
Five years that I don't have my best friend to come home to after a hard day
Five years that I don't lay down at night feeling the warmth of your body next to mine

Five years is a long time to be without the one you love
Five years is a long time to be away from your best friend
Five years is a long time to sleep alone
Five years is a very long time to wonder if you are ok down there
Five years is a long time to be without your husband or wife in your case
Five years is too long to be away from our kids.

What have you miss in five years
You have missed so much
Things that you can never get back
Like seeing our son win his track meets and make varsity track in his freshmen year
Watching him play high school football for the first time
See him asked to the junior prom his freshman year seeing him in his tuxedo
Watching our daughter play her first sport basketball
See her scared to play then only to be the best on her team
Watch her play volleyball
See when she was awarded the presidential award for most improved
Watching her grow into a young woman.
Or see her so excited to start middle school

You have missed so much and I am sorry for you and the kids for all that you have missed
I know we will be together again, I only hope its not another five years!
So on this five year anniversary
I will lay down once again without you
I will lie down and think of you
And I will wake tomorrow alone without you
I will not ever stop loving you and wanting you though!

I love you

Time

days-1,825
hours- 43,920
minutes- 2,635,200
seconds- 158,112,000

On this the 5th year anniversity is how long the government has kept us apart.

I love you

The Olympics,Pride of Country& Immigration

Today brought back some memories of days long gone by.
I can remember sitting and watching the Olympics loving it,
mostly because I got to see so many people from places I would never have the chance to go
And watching my country win medals was a secondary pleasure.
But something is different now
I do feel pride when I hear the national anthem but it is not the same pride I had a young girl.
Its more of a memory thing I think like I know that song use to make me feel proud to be an American, yet now I am confused at how I feel about my country.
I know I am lucky beyond belief to live in such a wonderful place
Yet I feel like my country has betrayed me and my family.
Like they once again have shown indifference to me.
The first time I felt this way was after being raped at age twelve, going through all that only to have my rapist given a slap on the wrist
When I still deal with the pain of it, but it was like no one cared.
Thus the years of mental illness that to this day plague me.
I thought I had gotten over the way I was treated by the government (the judge)
But when Martin was deported I remember thinking how little my own country cared about me or my family.
So while watching the Olympics tonight when I saw our flag raised the mixed up feeling started once again.
I know people die to come to this country yet
I feel like an outsider or as I often refer to myself and family an Invisible American
Tossed aside because of who I chose to marry
And the irony of it is I chose to marry a Mexican National for the love and closeness their families have
One of the main reasons for marring who I married
My country once again took that away from me.
There were many other reasons I married Martin but seeing how he was with his family was huge
The closeness even when they were so far away
Calling his mother almost weekly, the closeness with his siblings, aunts, uncles all of that.
I lived on my own since the age of 15 and I was finally going to have a family
What a great feeling that was all I had gone through on the streets could be left behind.
But my country took it all away.
And once again I am so close to being homeless
But this time the stakes are much higher as I have two kids
Two kids that I never want to experience what hell is out there.
So needless to say having Pride of Country at this time is so very hard.
Once again a judge will decide what will happen in my life
The difference this time is he will also decide the fate of my family
I am strong and the judge in the rape case made a horrible mistake
But that was back in the seventies it did change me but as did the rape
Yet this decision will change more than just me
And it scares the hell out of me.
So I would like to hear the national anthem and feel proud to be an American
I want to have pride in my country again
I want my family back.

I love you, Martin

A Funk

Today I was in a funk all day
I don't understand why its harder on me right after I come back from a visit with you
than when I haven't seen you for 6 months or so.
I always miss you but it seems that right after a visit its so hard for me to cope.
I laid on the sofa today and watched the Olympics
then even that wasn't enough to keep my mind from wandering back to you.
So I wrapped myself up in a blanket on the sofa and thought about you until sleep took over.
It gets hard for me to watch people living their life when I feel mine has stopped
I know my body is getting older but it seems I haven't lived for the past 5 years
Its like you said its not living its just waiting
And waiting is not living, but without you here I don't want to do anything
I just want you back here with us.
Then I will live again,
Sometimes its hard just to get out of the bed
Not that I want to sleep I just lie their thinking what is the use of getting up
Then one of the kids will come in and give me a reason
Well a reason they need me up
But for me there is not a reason to get up.
They think I am so crabby and I guess I am but how do I get up and greet the day with a smile
I remember a so called friend telling me I need to get on with my life
She said she had a friend I needed to meet
I looked at her like she was nuts
She knew how much in love with you I am yet she wanted me to meet someone new
Needless to say we are not friends any longer she just didn't get it.
I remember the vows I took and I don't remember saying I will love you till you are deported.
I am just tired of feeling so lonely, but you are the only person I that can change that.
So I guess I will be in a funk for some time.
I just want you back
I need you back
I love you

Proud of Me

You tell me you are proud of me.
When I ask you why you answer
You know how much pain my body is in and I keep working when they call.
That I am a good mother, that I am strong for going through this.
Well I am proud of you
I have always thought you were strong and seeing what you have gone through these last five years has only made me know I was right about you from the start.
You have changed in many ways these last five years though you are not the same man I married.
I think you talk more now but that's probably because you are so lonely, and you talk about your feeling which talking to you before was like pulling teeth.
You tell me I love you much more than before, but on our last visit when you explained that I have been the only person to ever say those words to you made me understand your not saying it that often.
Your more tolerant of my mood swings, not saying you like seeing me go through them but you seem to understand why I go through them
I hope its not because you are getting as crazy as I always have been, maybe its being together for 18 years.
But the main thing that has changed about you is you cry,
the only time I had ever seen you cry was when each of our kids were born.
And you and the kids have always made fun of me because of how easy I cry, at movies, news on tv, or just reading something sad.
I have never felt bad or embarrassed for crying I have always been like that it my heart feels more than most peoples its nothing to be embarrassed of and I am glad to see that you do have tear ducts.
Crying does not make you less of a man it only makes you more human.
So I am proud of you
For staying strong while going through hell
For not giving up
For being a GREAT husband and father even 1800 miles away.
For keeping me strong when I feel like giving up.
We will get through this together I will rely on your strength and you can rely on my heart.
I love you and miss you.

August 9, 2008

I am feeling like I am letting you down.
When we spoke today and you asked if I had eaten and I told you it was too early for me to eat.
And you told me that you were eating your fathers eggs again.
I wish I had money to send you, I know you are hungry and when I make dinner for the kids I feel almost guilty, I know they have to eat but then I think about you there hungry and me unable to send you money at this time I feel like I have let you down.
You tell me that you know the kids and I need the money and not to send it to you but I know you need it also.
I know what it is like to be hungry, my years of living on the streets taught me how it feels to be hungry.
I remember going days without food, and to this day it still amazes me that people would offer to buy me a beer before food.
Before I met you Gordo was the only person who would look for me to see if I had eaten, then you came and took me off the streets and I never went hungry.
I think that is the reason I feel so bad about not being able to send you money at this time.
You did so much for me and always made sure I was taken care of.
I will find work and I will be able to help you again until you are able to get back here
This I promise, I don't care if I have to clean toilets.
We are nearing the end of this and I am not about to lose the things I have worked so hard to keep.
I love you and miss you so much!

Sleep

It is hard to sleep without you
The only time I sleep well is when I am next to you, when I feel safe.
I lay in bed for hours
thinking of you wondering what you are doing, wondering if you are also having a hard time sleeping.
I look out into the night sky and think how far away you are and wonder
do you see the same stars I see, to you notice how full or bright the moon is tonight?
We are both under the same moon yet it feels like we are so far away we might as well be on different planets.
I think its funny that when I visit you I fall asleep so fast and you say and think that it is that way when I am away from you, but its not.
I told you its the safety I feel when I am next to you that lets me fall asleep in minutes.
Or it could be the lack of sleep that happens when I am away from you and my body just cant take it anymore.
Either way my best sleep is when you are next to me, and since its 2:45 am I guess you can tell I am away from you.
I never liked the nights, even as a child having my mom bring me through the house to check under the sofa in the closets looking for the monsters.
Without you here who will keep me safe from the monsters?

Having Hope

Having been together with you and the kids for two weeks has given me hope that we will be together as a family again. I have always told myself that it will happen but after this last visit I really do feel a strong feeling of hope. We need you back with us, our family is incomplete without you. I know you feel unsure about the outcome but I have so much hope that I am almost scared of what I am feeling but it is such a positive feeling I don't want it to go away, in a way I am almost scared of the upcoming court date only because for the first time in five years since this nightmare started I am feeling so confident that we will be together again and I don't want to stop feeling this wonderful feeling. We will be together again as a family I know this. I love you.

June 16, 2008

I am feeling worried, the court date that was suppose to be in April is more than likely going to be in September. I know its hard for me to wait on this I can only imagine how hard it is on you. I am trying very hard to get the money together so I can bring the kids down to see you for at least a few weeks this July. I am just so tired of fighting with someone (the government) that I cant even see or speak directly to. I love you and one way or another we will be together.

As animals should not be caged so love cannot be legalized or legislated. It must be able to run free. Rod McKuen

May 31, 2008

What a hard day today has been and its not even half over.
I spoke to you today, and now I sit here crying, missing and longing to be with you.
The wheels of justice grind very slow.
I feel they are grinding me to pieces.
I try to stay strong for our kids and you but I feel so weak at this moment.
I have never been a control freak but this process going through the courts to get you back is killing me.
Having my families life and future in the hands of judges does not feel good to me.
These three judges don't know me
They don't care about my feelings
The law does not feel, it doesn't have a heart.
I do and my family does it seems unfair that they don't get to hear the voices of our children before they decide if their father can come home and be a father again.

Day 1474
I am feeling so scared
I feel like I am surrounded by evil
I have to be on guard at all times.
I go to work everyday warring if this is the day
I am living almost in the same world I lived in before I met you
All the mentally ill homeless people, the drug abusers, prostitutes
I am surrounded by thieves and murders.
I am scared again.
I stopped using my survival instincts when I fell in love with you
But now your gone and I am in a cess pool
I am so scared of something happening before I am in your arms
I don’t want to fight to survive again
I am too tired for that
You taught me to want to survive
You gave me something to survive for
So now I must do that
But I am so tired
I want not to worry about the homeless man in the bus stop
I want to worry what you want for dinner
I don’t want to worry about that girl out front trying to find a customer
I want to worry about you

I don’t want to judge them or what they are doing
I want to be in your arms again so I must
I don’t want to end up a dead body on Colfax Ave.
All I want in my life is to be with you
To be a family together again
All I want is for you to be here holding me again.
I love you

Day 1473
I called to talk to you today and of course there was something wrong with our connection. I hate not being able to speak to you when I want to , its bad enough that we have to talk over the phone. I miss sitting down next to you and talking. I want to look into your eyes while we are talking not see you in my mind. There was nothing important that I wanted to say I just needed to speak to you. I love you and miss you so very much. I wish you were here today to go shopping with us. You could have taken Martin to get his clothes. I also wish you were her to sit down and talk to him about sex and girls and growing up and all that stuff that he gets embarrassed talking to me about. I went in and checked out his my space page and I was a little worried when I was reading his questionnaire and one of the questions was what is your goal for this year and his answer was to have sex. Reading that made my heart sink. I think he is way to young to have sex and yet I want to get condoms for him so if something happens he will be protected. But I don’t want him to think that by giving him the condom I agree with his decision. I think I will get him one and before giving it to him tell him that I feel he is too you but if he is going to have sex then he must use a condom , I have already told him that it only takes one time to have a baby and also it only takes one time to get aids. Wow I need you here. But we will be alright until you get back. Alex is excited about going back to school. They go back next week, we got all her supplies today I got some for Martin but since I don’t know what he needs I am going to have to wait till he gets a list from the different classes. I gave him seventy dollars to get a few clothes today and all he could do was complain that that wasn’t enough money so he bought a pair of shorts and had forty dollars left that he gave back and I am going to give him two hundred in a few days to go. I cant wait until he is old enough to realize how selfish he is being. He knows that I need to get him a shot and I need to pay the school the hundred dollars for breaking the rail at the prom.
And of course all the other bills. I get so frustrated sometimes when I go shopping for food he brings his friends here and they eat so much food it is crazy I want to say something to him about it but I don’t want to sound like a bitch to him so I don’t say anything at all. I am feeling so overwhelmed right now. I think between work and the kids I am just frazzled. Why I call it frazzled I don’t know its mental shit and I am about to go into a very deep depression and I don’t have any meds for it and for sure I cant afford them right now. I thought about going back to a counselor, I think they may have one at the University Hospital. I don’t know I just hate to have to go through another funk. I know what would help me even more than the med or counselors if I just had you here to hold me. If you made love to me.

Day 1472
Come hold me
Hold me tighter than ever before
Never let go of me
All those days wasted
Why did we waste so many days
We could have been holding each other
We could have been laying in bed talking
Or making love
We could be back on the beach in Florida
Or the beach in Chicago
Do you remember the beach in Chicago?
I bet you remember the beach in Chicago
You would not forget us making love on the beach
Come hold me
Come make love to me
My body needs you
I need you!

Would you still make love to me on the beach
I bet you would
I would still make love to you there
Or anywhere
Touch me
Hold me
Love me
You make me feel alive

Day 1471
Hi, I hope this letter finds you in good health. I miss you! Waking up this Sunday morning seems lonelier than most. I woke up and you still weren’t laying next to me.
I think mornings without you are the worst. I miss the time we sit in the quiet of the morning and talk. I think when you wake up at four thirty in the morning with someone for years you get to know them very well. I was thinking that all the times I was selfish with you , meaning those times I just wanted to be alone with you . I think that happened to somehow compensate me for these days without you. But to me there is no way to ease the pain of you not being here. I want to make your coffee then I want to just sit and talk to you face to face. Not phone to phone. I want to see the expressions as we speak, I want to see your eyes, I want to see your lips move.
Any way I was just wishing you were here.

Day 1469

Day 1469
The memories flash like old home movies
Memories some happy some sad
Days filled with no idea of the trouble ahead
Laughter filled voices
Days spent on the beach
I can see you coming out of the water
You are beautiful to me
There is nothing I don’t like about you
Its not a cliche but you are perfect to me
Your eyes show me your wonderful yet sad soul
Your heart is so kind and giving
I can see us back in the store in Chicago
You paying for the little boys candy
As tough as you try to make people think you are
I know better
You are the kindest men I have ever met
I can see you hiding in the car to get away from the mosquitoes
Thus the sensible side of you
The next day when all but you were eaten alive by the mosquitoes
You sat without a bite

I see you bending over a pool table
Confidence is what I see
You know your worth
Also you know your strengths
I watch you run the table in awe of your skill
I see you with a tear running down your cheek
As you witness our daughters birth
I see the fear in your face
Yet I see a man who will be a great loving father to her
I see you the first time you hold our son
I see pride with this, your first born child your son


I see you bending over a pool table
Confidence is what I see
You know your worth
Also you know your strengths
I watch you run the table in awe of your skill
I see you with a tear running down your cheek
As you witness our daughters birth
I see the fear in your face
Yet I see a man who will be a great loving father to her
I see you the first time you hold our son
I see pride with this, your first born child your son

Day 1468
I wish I could run my fingers through your thick hair
I wish I could run my finger across your shoulder bone
I wish I could run my hands down your back
I wish I was wrapped in your body.
I miss the way your body smells
I remember it
It is locked away in my brain
I miss hearing you breath
I want to fall asleep on your arm
I want the first thing I see when I wake up is your face
I want to wake up and make love to you.
I want to feel your body inside of me
I want our two souls to become one .
I want to light your cigarette

Day 1460
I long to feel your body close to mine.
I long to smell your body
To run my fingers through your thick hair.
I want to wrap my body around yours and never let you go.
I long to lie in bed next to you
Watching you as you sleep
As I have done thousands of times before.
I long to see your startled expression when you wake to see me staring at you.
I long to hear you snore
I long to hear you talk in your sleep in English
I know that’s when your speaking to me.
I long to wake at four thirty am and have coffee with you before you leave for work.
I long for those quite morning talks
I long for those times we spent alone,,,, just us .
I long to see you smile

Alejandro Fernandez.
Que Voy A Hacer Con Mi Amorle baje las estrellas de un solo golpe tal vez ese fue mi error le ofreci cada dia y cada noche el alma y el corazn pero no le basto no fue suficiente no quiso quererme como la quise yo. Que voy hacer con todo este amor que no cabe en mi pecho que me cala los huesos que se ahoga en este mar de dolor que me quema la carne y que me hierve la sangre que me esta partiendo en dos la razn Que voy a hacer sin su amor que voy a hacer con mi amor Se alejo de mi vida de un solo golpe se fue sin decirme adios me rompi la sonrisa las ilusiones el alma y el corazn le di todo mi amor y no fue sufriente no quiso quererme como la quise yo Que voy hacer con todo este amor que no cabe en mi pecho que me cala los huesos que se ahoga en este mar de dolor que me quema la carne y que me hierve la sangre que me esta partiendo en dos la razn Que voy a hacer sin su amor que voy a hacer con mi amor. que no cabe en mi pecho que me cala los huesos que se ahoga en este mar de dolor que me quema la carne y que me hierve la sangre que me esta partiendo en dos la razn

Day 1340
As I scan the faces on the bus I don’t see yours
I see so many faces everyday
Yet the only face I want to see I don’t
I find myself look for someone that has the same features as you
But I cant
There are people that have almost the same hair
Maybe some with a mustache like yours
But I want to look into your eyes
I want to look into your soul

They are so dark yet there is light that emanates
Showing me all that is inside of your heart and soul
I want to see your old man legs
I am sure one of the old men on the bus has old men legs
But there not your old man legs
Bowleg and the hairs rubbed off from your pants.
I know I never told you why I called you old man legs that is why
I love your old man legs
I love being wrapped up in them

There is probably someone on the bus that has three hairs on his chest
But I don’t want to pull his out like I do yours
Just to see the look on your face when I try to do it
There are many people who have your color skin
I know its not as soft as yours though.
You have the softest skin I have ever felt.
I love the feel of your skin.

Most of the people on the bus smell
But its not your smell
Oh I wish I could smell you
No one smells like you

I would be able to find you in a crowd if I were blind
Just by your smell
I have never smelled anything better in my life
Than the smell of you.
The bus people surround me
I wish I was on a bus surrounded by you
I wish I was anywhere but here on this bus
Alone

Without you

Day 1070
The days are dark
The nights are dark
My life seems to gone into the abyss
My life is dark with out you.
I need the light in my life
I am searching in the dark
I am lost in the darkness
I am afraid of the dark
I am afraid of so many things
Yet I walk this earth alone
I don’t want to walk alone
I want you here
I want you here to bring the light back into my life.
I need you here to walk besides me
I need you here to take my fear away.
I want you here to make me feel safe again.
The darkness is covering my world
Come back and light up my world
I love you

Day 1000

One thousand is such a large number
Yet I have made it through one thousand days without you
It feels much longer
I have missed out on one thousand kisses
I have missed out on one thousand hugs
I have missed one thousand chances to look into your eyes.
I have missed one thousand times of making love to you.
I have missed hearing you say I love you one thousand times.
One thousand lost days
One thousand days without the one I love
One thousand days without the man who keeps me grounded
One thousand days without my best friend
One thousand days without seeing your smile.
One thousand nights spent alone in bed
One thousand nights with tears on my pillow
One thousand nights not hearing you say I love You
One thousand nights not smelling you as I fall asleep
One thousand nights without wrapping up in each others bodies.
One thousand nights with only my memories of you.
One thousand is a very large number
I do not want to spend another one thousand days
Or one thousand nights
Without you
I LOVE YOU!

Day 1001

Darkness surrounds me
It seems to be devouring me
My thoughts
My feelings
My hope
I have always been afraid of the dark

Day 367
I love you more today than I loved you yesterday
I love you from the depths of my soul
From places in never knew existed until I met you.
You woke me
I have never loved anyone the way I love you.
You came into my life and gave me calmness
You made me feel safe
I have never felt safe before I met you.
You made me feel I was worthy of love
You gave me my self confidence
You have always made me feel beautiful
You made me feel I was a beautiful person
You made me feel sexy
I will never stop loving you
You saved my life so long ago
I LOVE YOU!

On this our one year anniversary
I have cried more tears than ever before
They are not tears of happiness
They are tears of pain, hurt and anguish.
This is an anniversary I wish we never had.
It has been one year since you were taken out of our lives.
A year of many tears
A year of much loneliness
A year of lost time
A year I will never forget.
It has been a year since they deported you.
You have missed so much in our kids lives
You have missed things with them that you can never get back
How much more are you going to miss out on.
On this our anniversary I have only one thing I would like
Its not silver
Its not gold
Its not paper
Its YOU

Day 365
Happy Anniversary this is not
I cried as hard today as the day you were deported
Every inch of my body hurts
Pain is nothing new to me but this pain this pain is
Almost unbearable
The only thing that keeps me going is you being there without your kids
And your kids being here without you.
I know the pain you feel must be the same if not more
For you are there without us, without your kids.
I know you are so lonely.
I wish I could be with you and take your pain away.

Being away from you hurts
At times it feels as though I wont make it
I haven’t felt whole since they took you away.
I have never loved anyone the way I love you
You are the only person I have ever let see behind the mask
I have never felt so comfortable with anyone like I do with you
You know things about me that I would never want anyone else to know
And yet you still love me.

I have often felt wonderment that you kept loving me
You kept loving me after the atrocious things I have put you through
There is not a man alive who would have put up with the unforgivable things I have done and accused you of.
I cant apprehend how you still love me
But I do know you love me.
And you know I love you

We are such different people yet we are the same in so many ways.
I believe the lack of love we felt as children is one of the biggest reasons
We both felt the aloneness, isolation, alienation and unloved
And when we found each other we found all we had been missing
I know when I found you I became absolute
And I know when you found me you became complete
So for all those who though and still think we should have never been together I say they are credulous
We have been through so much
Most would have given up by now I think
We have been close at times at times too close

Yet here we are 18 years later.
And my passion for you has only grown stronger
And hearing your voice on the phone I think your passion has grown stronger
My love for you is immeasurable, never-ceasing , unrelenting
There are many more words to describe my love for you
One of the words that use to often describe my love was jealousy
I was always sure you would leave me like everyone else had
I wasted too many years being jealous of you.
I no longer have that feeling
I trust you and know you would never intentionally hurt me.
All you have ever done was love me
You let me be the person I was always unable to be
You loved me for me.
I love you

Day 1470
I wonder where you are right now
I wonder what you are doing
I wonder what you are wearing
Are you outside
Or are you locked up in your room
Have you eaten
I wonder if you are thinking of me
I don’t have to wonder if your happy
I know your heart is hurting
I hate thinking of you there all alone
I hate the thought of you wanting to talk and no one there to talk to
I cant even begin to understand how alone you are ever day.
You should not be alone
I need you here with me
I need to feel your body next to mine

I wonder if your wishing I would call
I wonder why you are so far away
It seems like we are worlds away
Even a mile away is to far
I wonder if you agree.
I wonder if that twinkle is still in your eyes
I hope this cruel twist of fate has not extinguished that
I prey we will not be wondering for much longer.
I love you always

DAY 1461

Hearing your words today made me both smile and cry.
When you said you just wanted to hear my voice.
It made me feel loved .
But at the same time it made me feel so sad.
Thinking of you being there alone with no one to talk to.
I cant even imagine the loneliness you go through each day.
Going through each day without your kids.
Without any human touch.
I don’t think I could be as strong as you have for the past four years.
I could not imagine what it would be like to be away from our kids.
I do know how much it hurts to be away from you.

Day 1345

Anger is consuming me
Anger at my country
Anger at my government
Anger at you
Anger at me
I hate these feelings
I want you here with me
I want my government to let you come back
They do less to a rapist than what they are doing to us
This is not the country I read about in the history books
How can a government or country keep lovers apart
How can a government or country keep a family apart
I don’t think the founding fathers would have gone for that
I feel like I am living in one of the communist countries they warned us about in school
Yet I know I haven’t gone to live in another country
This is still my country
I think
Our kids will not be fooled by the history books
They are living through the governments lies
They are the ones paying for the governments trampling on peoples human rights
Their innocence stolen
By a corrupt bunch of over paid self righteous crooks

Yes I am angry
I am angry that we must fight my government to be together.
Yes I am angry that our kids are hurting
I am angry that they can not be with you
Yes I am angry that my government has taken years away from us
Do you think if one of them had to live like this they could
I don’t think so
I think they would be changing these foolish laws I am angry

I don’t want to be angry anymore
I just want you
I just want our family back
I just want you back
I don’t want to feel this loneliness
I don’t want to feel this anger
I don’t want to live my life angry.
I want to be me again not this person they have made me
I want to laugh again
I want to smile
A real smile
I want the United States government to right their wrong
I want all the fathers back with their kids
I want all the wife’s back with their families
I want my husband back
I am angry
I don’t want to be angry anymore
I just want you
I just want our family back
I just want you back

I am angry
I don’t want to be angry anymore
I just want you
I just want our family back
I just want you back
I don’t want to feel this loneliness
I don’t want to feel this anger
I don’t want to live my life angry.
I want to be me again not this person they have made me
I want to laugh again
I want to smile
A real smile
I want the United States government to right their wrong
I want all the fathers back with their kids
I want all the wife’s back with their families